


I love you, but do you love me?

by orphan_account



Category: Game Grumps, Video Blogging RPF, supermega
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Christianity, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Denial of Feelings, Divorce, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Gen, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, LGBT, M/M, Masturbation, Self-Hatred, Some of it, Teen Angst, Teenagers, Unrequited Love, Verbal Abuse, ann and cecile please dont interact, i'll add on as i continue to finish this, you dont need to witness this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2020-12-30 19:48:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21145541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ever since he was 14, he's had feelings for his friend, but he can't accept the fact he's gay, there's no way he is.So why does his heart ache for him?[DISCONTINUED]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi  
this is the first time im writing a long-ass fic so please excuse my writing  
at the time of this, it's currently not done but I just wanna get it out cause we impatient sooo  
enjoy this first teaser chapter ig

Ryan looks out of the window, going farther and farther into his mind as the sound of the noisy class slowly fades out. He watches as the storm goes on strong, blowing the trees, rain and stray leaves left on the ground. The news foretold this storm, informing schools to keep kids inside as much as possible. Which sucked. Ryan hated having inside recess, way too loud for him. Plus, his friend Tucker was out sick, so he doesn’t have anyone to really talk to. So he stayed in his seat. Away from the chaos, with the occasional kids running by his desk. Ryan taps his fingers on his pale wooden desk, waiting for the class to end.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
Ryan jumps and whips his head around to look at the person saying hi. This tall thin boy stood by Ryan's desk, silly bands and slap bracelets covered his wrists. His semi-long brown hair covered his baby blue eyes, he pushes it to one side to look at him clearly. One beauty spot marks the place right under his eyes and next to his nose. He also notices nice lips.

“Oh, uh, hey.” Ryan replies.

“You’re Ryan, right?” The lanky boy asks, holding his arm.

“Yeah, why?” The short-haired boy turned around in his chair to face him.

“Well. Tucker talks about you frequently, you’re pretty cool. I’m Matt.” Matt sticks his hand out awkwardly to shake his hand. Ryan takes it and shakes it, with Matt squeezing his hand. 

“So, what’s the deal with you being over here?” Matt pulls up a chair and sits down next to Ryan.

“Tucker isn’t here.” Ryan sighs out. “So I just sit here, watching the rain pour down. Just bored.” He traces his fingers across the lines against the desk. 

“Yeah, this is like the 3rd time he’s sick.” He comments, flipping his hair out of the way.

‘Right? His immune system is hella weak.” Ryan laughs out. 

“You and he seem like great friends.”  
  
“Of course, since the 1st grade!” He proclaims proudly.

“Aw cool! I wish I still had friends from the first grade. They either moved or just found me annoying.” Matt scoffs

“Well, then they’re gay babies.” Ryan leans back in his chair, hands behind his head.  
  
“Gay babies.” Matt repeats, deadpan.

“Y’know, Gaybies.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Ryan hangs out under the awning, leaning on the wall. The smell of wet concrete and soil fill his nose. With the air damp and cold, he watches the kids leave one by one, watching their parents pick them up. It was fairly dark for being 4 pm. He puts his hood up as he watches the trees wave in the wind. God, his mom is never on time with picking him up.

“Hey Ryan, what are you still doing here?” Ryan looks up to Matt as he closes his umbrella, sitting down. 

“My mom is late, she probably got held up at work.”  
  
“Damn. That must suck.” He sits down by Ryan, looking at the rain pour.

“Not entirely, she’s trying her best. I love her for it.”  
  
“Ok mama's boy.” Matt says jokingly, punching his shoulder softly. Ryan defends himself from Matt's weak punch, scoffing.

“Nothing wrong with liking your mom y'know?” Ryan replies, scratching the back of his neck.

“Yeah, but when your mom is a crazy Christian bitch, it's hard. She's like, blowing Jesus every day when she prays.” Matt laughs, looking down at his feet. His front bangs cover his eyes.

“Woah, your mom is a Christian freak too? Bro mine too! She’s always making me go to these weird Christian events. It’s so boring, like, who wants to learn about this gaywad on the cross?”

  
  
“Yeah, he’s like-”

“A total bottom?”

Matt cackles at Ryan's interruption. He moves some hair behind his ear.

“Exactly! You get it!”

  
“Why wouldn’t I? We’re both cool Christian boys.”

  
“Well, cool atheists boy.”  
  
“Yeah,” Matt says, holding out his fist. “Cool atheist boys.”  
  
Ryan smiles, bumping his own fist with Matts. 

* * *

As Ryan waves goodbye to Matt, he gets in his mom's car. He watches as Matt shrinks out of view. He leans back in his seat and sighs deeply, watching the world go by in seconds, the rain hitting the window.

“So, Ryan, who was that boy you were laughing with?” Cecile asks, looking at Ryan in the rearview mirror.

“Oh, just some friends. His name his Matt.” Ryan says back, shoving his hands into his jacket pocket.

“Matt Watson? Ann’s son? Oh my god!” She exclaimed, absolutely delighted. “I know him! He’s my church friends son, oh i’ve been dying for you to meet!”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Really! How about he comes over for a sleepover? You both would have so much fun! I know me and Ann do.” She suggests, looking at the road in front of her.

“Well, I barely know him.” He looks out the window again.

“You both looked like you were having fun out there, I’m sure you’ll both enjoy it.”  
  
Ryan feels the car eject him forward a bit as the car stops at a light. Ryan slumps back in his seat, crossing his arms.

“What about, y’know,” Ryan pulls his hood over his face. “What about dad?”

  
Cecile slowly frowns, sighing. “Oh honey, are you still thinking about what he said?”  
  
“Of course! He called me gay, mom. I’m not!” Ryan exclaims, scooting to the edge of his seat to prove his point.  
  
“I know you aren’t sweetheart.” As the light turns green, she presses on the gas, making Ryan fall back. “It wouldn’t be such a bad thing to be gay though-”  
  
“I’m not! Sheesh, mom!” He throws his hands up.

“A-And I know that! All I'm saying is, God, will still love you either way honey.”  
  
“I know.”

* * *

  
  


** _Ryan M._ **

_ Hey Tucker? _

Ryan put his phone down to return to his dumb homework, something about multiplying double numbers and algebra. He was never good at math, but science was where he got the best grades. It’s basically mixing chemicals. Ryan's phone buzzes and he immediately picks it up, looking at the notification. It was Tucker.

** _Tucker P._ **

_ whats up broski? _

** _Ryan M._ **

_Do you know this kid named Matt? _

** _Tucker P._ **

_ yea, why? _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ He talked to me at school today, saying you two talked. _

** _Tucker P._ **

_ ohhh matt w? yea lol _

_ we talked a bit before i went out sick _

_ he was kinda dying to meet you _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ Really? _

Ryan felt his stomach flutter, what the fuck was that about? He must be getting sick, he didn’t like Spring in South Carolina. 

** _Tucker P._ **

_ yea bro! _

_ you both go to the same church apparently _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ Yeah, my mom mentioned something about that. _

_ She wants me to have a sleepover with him. _

** _Tucker P._ **

_ this week? _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ Idk, my mom just said sleepover. _

_ Maybe on Friday? _

** _Tucker P._ **

_ isn’t friday that spring church event? _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ I think? _

** _Tucker P._ **

_ maybe you both could spend the night at that point _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ Maybe. _

_ Say, do you like, have his number? _

_ Just so I could, yknow, talk to him. _

There’s that damn flutter again. What is with this?  
  


** _Tucker P._ **

_ you sound gay lol _

_ but ok here _

_ 843-447-1528 _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ Haha, fuck you. _

_ Thanks. _

Oh god.

Oh god, he has his number.

It’s just a number.

Then why is he nervous?

* * *

  
  


“So, let me get this straight. You got that boy's number for?”  
  
“Just to talk!”  
  
“Annnd, you haven’t talked yet because?”  
  
“I don't know! Suzy, you gotta help me.” Ryan begged.

Suzy takes her hair tie from her wrist, putting it in her mouth to gather up all her long black and gold hair. Ryan groaned and slumped his head against the table in shame. God, why was this so hard?  
  
“Sounds like you're gay man.” Ross throws out, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Shut up Ross! I’m not!” Ryan jolts his head up to look at the sly boy across the table, who cackles. 

“Oh hush Ross,” Suzy says, tying her hair up. “I’m sure it’s just the nerve of meeting new people, you can text him. That's how Arin felt about texting me for the first time. All you have to do is say ‘Hey, my name is Ryan.’ ”

“Psh, that’s boring! Send him a dick pic, guys love that.” Ross exclaims, waggling his eyebrows  
  
“Ross! Ughh.” Ryan slams his head down on the table, groaning again.

“Look, don’t overthink this bro,” Barry says, rubbing his back. “Just say hi, or send him a funny dog gif. Like I do to Ross and Dan!”  
  
“They’re really funny.” Dann adds.

“Boys,” Suzy says sternly. “Look, Ryan, just say hi, be yourself.” Ryan looks up at Suzy and smiles. 

“You’re right. Thanks, Suz.”  
  
“Anyways, enough about you being gay. Is anyone else going to that Spring Party at the church on Friday? I know I am. Only because they have some bomb ass food.” Ross interrupts, poking at the mash potatoes. Well. Some kind of potato substance.

“I know I am!” Dan says.

“Aren’t you Jewbish?” Arin asks.

“It’s Jewish. And yea, I am. That doesn’t really matter though. Whatevs. I’m going because of the hot Christian girls and moms.” He raises his eyebrows, taking a swig of his soda.

“Gross man, my moms hosting that party.” Ryan grumbles lowly.

“Doesn’t matter, your mom’s hot man!”  
  
Suzy reaches over the table to pinch his ear.

“Shut your mouth, Daniel.”  
  
“Ow ow ow ow fine ok jeez!” Suzy lets go of the boy's ear, looking at Ryan.

“Say, didn’t you mention you were going to ask Matt to sleepover on that night?”  
  
“Yeah, but I have to text him first.” Ryan sighed, putting his head in his hand and poking his food.

“Ohhh, y’all gonna bone?”  
  
“No! Goddamit Ross.” Ryans frustration made Ross cackle aloud again, Ryan rolled his eyes.

“I’m sure it’ll be ok. It’ll go awesomely!” Barry adds.

“Thanks, B.”  
  
“Speaking of Matt, isn’t that him over there?” Suzy points with her acrylic fingernail all the way across the room at the back table. There sat Matt and Tucker, laughing and talking.

“That’s Matt? Damn, and I thought I was a twink.” Ross said under his breath, which everyone still heard.

“Why don’t you go sit with him?” Suzy asks sweetly.

“Are you guys sure? I don’t wanna leave you.”  
  
“Nah, we’ll be fine, just go to Matt.” Dan suggests.

Ryan nods and gets up, grabbing his tray and making his way over to the two. As Ryan got closer, these stupid flutters came back, it made him feel. Oddly warm. Yet cold. Was this puberty or food poisoning from the schools' garbage food again. Ryan had to bring lunch for 2 months after that.

“Oh hey, Ryan, what's up?” Tucker asks, making room for him to sit. Tucker's voice was probably the deepest in the school. He hit puberty earlier than everyone else. That or the fact he’s mostly sick all the time. Is he even sick?

“Hey guys, I saw you were sitting here and decided to, y'know, come over.” He laughs nervously as he goes to sit down.

“Hey Ryan! Tucker was just talking to me about some stuff. Mostly the Church thing. I’m practically forced to go by my parents y’know. My moms hosting the event as always.” Matt says with a groan.

“Hey, mines too! My mom happens to know your mom, she’s been like, ‘dying’ for us to meet.”  
  
“Oh word? Wow, that’s such mom shit, right?” Matt says laughing, flipping his hair out of the way.

God.

His laugh was so perfect. 

In a platonic way.  
Just in a friendly way.

“Yeah, it is.”  
  
“Ok, I’m gonna go get more cookies, the only thing you won't find a pube in if you’re lucky.” Tucker gets up from the table and walks to the other side of the cafeteria, leaving Matt and Ryan.

Alone.

By themselves.

“So, Ryan.”  
  
“Huh?- Oh yea what’s up?” Ryan cringes at his small voice crack.

“I was thinking, we should totally like, y'know, go to my house after school. I got that new video game, Animal Crossing. After 100 years, they finally have it in stock. I think we should play.” Matt exaggerates.  
  
“Like, me? Come over?”

“If you aren’t busy, of course, with homework.”  
  
“Me? Busy? Pffft nahhh, I can do work anytime. I’d fucking love to come over, I’m sure my mom won't mind.”  
  
Great way of playing it cool, dipshit.

“Awesome! So it’s set! Right after school.” Matt puts his fist out once again. “Cool Atheist boys?”  
  
Ryan smiles and returns the fist bump.

“Cool Atheist boys.”

* * *

  
  


“So you’re going to his house?

  
“Yes, Suzy! You have _ no _ idea how excited I am!!” Ryan shuts his locker. “This is amazing!”  
  
“Oh you poor thing, you just have a crush.” Suzy says, cooing.

“Crush? On Matt? Me? Nooo that’s absurd!! I’m not gay! I just wanna hang with a friend who I really like.” Ryan replies.

Suzy laughs and just looks at Ryan.

“You are in some heavy denial, my friend. Welp gotta go, I have math with Arin and Ross. Tell me everything that happened afterward! Byeeeee!~” She waves at Ryan with her acrylic nails shining in the light. Ryan waves back as he goes to his final class. He can't wait for after school.

* * *

  
  


Ryan and Matt both jump in the back of Ann's car, buckling their seat belts. Ryan puts his backpack next to him and looks up at the lady driving.

“So this is the boy you mentioned! Aw, he is just as adorable as I imagined.” Ann says, giggling.

“Momm!” Matt whines, embarrassed. 

“What? Just being truthful!” As Ann starts driving, Matt huffs and crosses his arms.  
  
“Well, this is my mom, Ryan.” Matt rolls his eyes.

“Hello Ms. Watson, nice to meet you.” Ryan smiles.

“Nice to meet you too, Ryan. Your mom has told me so much about you! I knew you’d be perfect for my little honey bear.” Matt coos, looking into the rearview mirror at Matt, who is trying to hide. “I know you boys will have so much fun!”

“I bet we will!”

* * *

  
  


“Welcome to my room, make yourself comfortable brother,” Matt says, confidently. Ryan looks on in awe around his room. Posters and figurines everywhere, game consoles and comic books covered the shelves and floor. 

“Sorry it’s a bit messy, didn’t have time to clean this morning.” Matt shrugs and shuts the door, making his way to his shelf.

“You have a cool room bro, it’s so much cooler than mine! It's like, made for a 9-year-old.”  
  
“You’re 9?”  
  
“N-No! I’m 14!”  
  
“Chill I know bro, just playing. I just turned 13.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Mhm, my birthday was a month ago. That’s how I got the game, I could make a new save file if you’re down for that?” Matt suggests

“Oh yeah, totally I’m like, super down!” Ryan gets onto Matt's bed and faces the TV.

“Aw shit, I can’t find the game. Whatever, we can just watch a movie! I have tons of those.” Matt pulls out some kind of DVD. 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea, very good.” Ryan pats his thighs as he watches Matt put his DVD into the DVD player. He turns his TV on and presses play, joining Ryan on the bed next to him.

* * *

  
  


Halfway into the movie and Ryan's bored out of his mind. He had lost the point of the plot at this point. He can tell Matt isn’t enjoying this movie either. He shifts his eyes down to Matt's hand beside him, really close to Ryan's hand.

Ryans

Hand.

Ryan felt that goddamn flutter again, he softly squirmed, trying to not make it obvious. His finger twitches as he thought about how warm Matt’s hand would be to hold. Have his fingers intertwined with his. 

Fuck.

“Hey Matt?” He blurts out suddenly.

“Hm? What’s up?” Matt asks, turning to Ryan.

“Have you ever, like, y'know, held hands?” Ryan tries his best not to let his voice crack. He twiddles his thumbs waiting for an answer.

“Well,” Matt fully sits up. “Yeah, I have, with my sister and my mom.”  
  
“Yeah but, have you ever tried doing that with. Other people?”  
  
“Like a girl?”  
  
“Y-Yeah, like a girl.”  
  
“No, not really, why?”  
  
“Well, I was thinking,” Ryan also sits up, closer to Matt. “Maybe we could hold hands? Not in a gay way! Just like friends!” Ryan stammers on.

“I mean, sure, why not?” Matt wastes no time grabbing Ryan's hand, intertwining his fingers with the older boys' hand. Ryan felt his ears go up in flames as he felt how slender his fingers are, and how small his wrists are as well. Ryan's hand starts twitching again and his chest tight. He notices how Matt went back to watching TV.

What, is this?

What was going on?  
  
He isn’t gay.

Is he?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry if this seems like it's moving super fast-  
but trust me, it's gonna slow down a bit in the next one

  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ Oh em gee shut up??? _

_ You two held hands? _   


** _Ryan M._ **

_ Listen! _ _   
_ _ It wasn’t gay _

_ I just felt weird. _

_ Maybe I'm sick? _   
  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ Sick in L O V E lolll _

  


Ryan moans painfully and flops back in his bed, his phone landing beside him. He doesn’t like Matt in that way, not at all. They’re just friends. Best friends. Why was everyone making it weird? It’s not weird. It’s friendship

  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ Look bro _

_ It’s ok to like Matt _

  


** _Ryan M._ **

_ I DONT!! _ _   
_ _ He’s my friend! I’m not gay. _

  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ Ok ok sorry _

** _Ryan M._ **

_ No. _

_ It’s ok. _

_ Just, god I'm so stressed. _

  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ You could always jerk off man _

_ Helps me relieve stress _

  


** _Ryan M._ **

_ …...what? _

  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ Omg _

_ Masterbate you dummy _

  


** _Ryan M._ **

_ No! _ _   
_ _ That’s gross. _

_ Plus, my mom's home man. _

  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ It’s not grosd _

_ *gross _

_ It’s perfectly natural _

  


** _Ryan M._ **

_ Yeah right. _

_ Look, I'm heading to bed. _

_ See you tomorrow, Suz. _

  


** _Suzy B._ **

_ K _

_ Im always here if ya change your mind _

_ Byeeeeee ❤❤❤ _

  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


“You both held hands?” Barry asks in amazement. 

“As friends!” Ryan repeats, putting his face into his palms.”It was just as friends, nothing more.” 

“Right, and how did you feel?” Suzy asks.

“My chest felt tight and...and warm? My ears and face were extremely red, according to Matt. I was nervous, that’s it.” Suzy looks over to Barry, who had the same face as her.

“That’s called love man.” The boy in the flannel says, shrugging.

“That’s not love! My mom says love is a great feeling. That just made me feel weird.” Ryan groans out, running his hands across his head. “I’m not in love. I only like girls.” 

“Have you ever felt this way towards them?” Ryan looks at Suzy and sighs.

“Well. No. I never felt that with you, or any girl.” The boy admits. “Just, Matt.”  


“Then it sounds like-”  
  
“I’m in love….with Matt?” Ryan interrupts. 

In love, with Matt? That’s crazy. He isn’t gay. He’s only supposed to like girls, only girls. 

So why does he like Matt?

“It’s ok to be gay, Ryan.” Barry says, patting Ryans back comfortingly.

“But I'm...not.” 

“Hey guys!” Matt says, holding his tray.

All 3 of the kids get startled at his sudden appearance. Especially Ryan, who feels the fluttering in his stomach once more. Ryan sees Tucker behind Matt, he waves at them.

“Mind if we sit here?” Tucker asks.

“Sure, we were just, Uhm, heading out. Right, Barry?” Barry nods at the girl, quickly getting up and moving tables, leaving the 3 boys by themselves. Matt sits down next to Ryan and Tucker sits across from them. Ryan felt his heartbeat quicken, his ears getting warm again.

“So, you guys had fun yesterday?” Tucker questions, poking at his food.

“Totally! We were gonna play Animal Crossing but couldn’t find it. So we just watched a movie.”   
  
“Yup.” The shorter boy confirms, twiddling his thumbs under the table.

“Cool. So you guys gonna go to that church event tomorrow? My mom's actually gonna take me this time. She’s finally using one of her sick days to go.” 

Matt moans in disgust. “Yeah, as I said yesterday, don’t really have a choice.” 

“Same, but hey, we’ll have each other right?” Tucker and Matt nod.

  
  
  


* * *

  


Friday.

The day of the Spring Party. The school let kids out early since this event. It was a huge local event since the town wasn’t all that big. Ryan stood in his room, looking at the suit his mom picked for him. Everyone was gonna be there. Including Matt. Ryan sighs and starts to undress, thinking about the party. As he puts on the suit, his mom calls him downstairs. He quickly runs downstairs to meet up with her. She bends down to fix his hair and tie, with Ryan protesting against, saying “he could do it himself”. 

As they pull up to the church, Ryan and his mom could see Matt and his mom there, waiting outside.

Ryan immediately notices the skinny boy, without his long hair or silly bands. It seems his mom had cut and styled his hair. His stomach felt hot, along with his face and ears. He looked so cute, especially with his blue eyes finally showing. He gets out of the car faster than his mom, running over to the parent and child. 

“Cecile! Hello! It’s so great to see you!” Ann exclaims, going over to hug the woman. “You dress up so well!”   
  
“So do you, Ann. Loving the pearl earrings. I wish I could buy a pair.” She says, laughing.

“We _ have _ to go shopping then! The place I got these is not that far.”   
  
“Hey, Ryan! Like the new haircut? My mom did it herself.” Matt says proudly.

“I-It’s nice.” Ryan replies. He can’t help but stare at Matt's face, not that it isn’t covered by sandy brown hair. His eyes lock onto Ryans, pale ice blue piercing dark vibrant brown. 

“Ryan?”  
  
Ryan coughs and looks away, flustered and embarrassed as ever. 

“L-Lets uh, go in. I’m sure the others are waiting for us, y'know? Mom cmon let's go in.” He grabs his mom's hand and tries to drag her in there. 

“Ryan! What are you doing? I was talking to Mrs. Watson!”

  
  


* * *

  
  


There was Christian music playing loudly, but not loud enough to drown out the conversations people are having. Ryan and Matt's mom went off to the front, talking with the pastor and other patrons. Making sure people are having a good time and help anyone with things.

“God this party is loud.” Dan says, sitting on the pews, slumped down.

“It is, but their food makes up for it!” Ross shoots back, taking a bite of mac and cheese. “God this stuff is good.”

  
  
“I agree with Ross, the food is good. I had two plates.” Barry sighs out as he rubbed his stomach. 

“I think someone's mom made it.” Suzy adds. She straightens her dress out and wipes it off from the floor.

“Yeah, and I heard they’re gonna have an art contest. Which I’m totally gonna win.” Arin says mockingly towards Ross.

“Nuh-uh! I’m gonna win! You suck at art.” Ross points his fork at Arin.

“You suck!”

  
  
“You swallow then, cunt.”

  
  
“ROSS!” Arin yells. Ross cackles as Arin punches his arm in defense. 

Ryan watches as his friends converse and laugh, while he sits in the corner behind them. He hugs his knees to his chest as his mind wanders a bit. Was he really gay? He couldn’t be. These feelings are temporary, nothing more than a phase. This was a phase. He’ll grow out of it soon. The sounds of the party soon are drowned out by his thoughts. The voices only become hushed murmurs and the music only becomes blurred. Gay? It’s a strange word to him. Why put so many labels on a person? It shouldn’t be a big deal, not that he’s gay himself. No way.

“Hellooo? Earth to Gay boyy?” Ross waves his hand in front of Ryan's face. Ryan falls back to reality hard, jumping as he sees Ross’s hand in his face. “You good mate? You were kinda dead there.” Ryan looks around him, to see his friends staring at him. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just, thinking.” He waves his hand. 

“About?” Arin asks, cocking his head to the side.

“Stuff.”  
  
“Stuff, huh? Like Matt fucking you?” Ross receives a punch in the arm from Suzy. 

“Is that gay thing still bothering you?” Dan asks concerned. 

“Yes.” Ryan sighs out. “It’s just, confusing?” 

“I understand that bro,” Arin sits with him. “When I tried figuring out i was Bisexual, it was hard. It took a little bit y’know? Just gotta be patient.” The artist rests his hand on Ryan's shoulder reassuringly. 

“Yeah, what Arin said. Don't rush it, cunt.”

“I guess I shouldn't.” Ryan finally gives in.

“Now go talk to him, he’s over there with Tucker.” Ross said, point over to the other side of the church. 

Ryan nods as he gets up, dusting his suit off and walking over to them.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Ryan, Tucker, and Matt all converse and laugh. Sharing jokes and stories. Tucker, unfortunately, had to leave early due to his mom needing to get up early for work. They said their goodbyes as he left, leaving Matt and Ryan by themselves. They decided to go outside since it was getting irritating and hot inside the church. They sat out on the steps, laughing and drinking their sodas from cans. The cool air washed over them and the smell of wet grass filled their noses.

“Y’know Ryan, it’s so cool how we became friends in just a week.” Matt says softly, running his fingers through his hair.

“It is, it really is.” Ryan said back, clicking his nails against the can.

Matt looked over at him and smiled, so did Ryan. He saw Matt inch closer to him and wrapped his lanky arms around him, hugging Ryan. The sudden action made Ryan tense up in surprise. Does he return the hug? It was too late to decide as Matt pulled away to look at Ryan, still close to his face. Ryan couldn’t break eye contact. His body was heating up with every second going by. Matt’s expression shifted from soft to confused. 

“Ryan-”  
  
“Huh? Oh. Sorry. Kinda spaced out.” The boy says as he backs up, scratching the back of his neck.   
  
“Nah it’s ok, happens to all of us right?” Matt laughs out.

“Yeah. Happens to all of us.” Ryan repeats.

A moment of silence goes by, the sound of the crickets filling the space. Spring nights were so perfect, the cool humid air and the soft atmosphere made everything perfect. It wasn’t until Matt yawned that broke the peaceful silence. Ryan looks over to him. He has his arms above his head, arching his back. He sighs out as he relaxes his body.   
  
“I’m getting tired, think I might ask my mom to go home.” The brown-haired boy said tiredly.

“Or, come over.” Ryan mentions quietly.

“What?”  
  
“Nothing. I said, the party’s, uh, basically over.”

  
  
“Yeah, It’s only adults left.” Matt looks back at the big church doors.

“And the others. Suzy, Ross, y’know.”  
  
“Yeah.”   
  
Matt uses the stair rail to get up, dusting his suit off and grabbing his can, resulting in Ryan doing the same. The two boys open the doors again and the loud music hits them suddenly. Matt walks in first as Ryan follows close behind.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Are you sure you don’t wanna stay Matthew?” His mother asks as he pulls her to the car.

“I’m tired mommy.” The boy whines, tugging his mom's dress.  
  
“At least say bye to Ryan.” She points over to Ryan, who sat on the steps. 

“Fineeee.” He groans out, but he excitedly runs over to Ryan. 

Ryan saw Matt run up the steps and they said their goodbyes, giving each other one final hug.

“Hey,” Ryan calls Matt before he leaves.

“Yeah?”

  
  
Ryan holds his fist up, smirking.

“Cool Atheist Boys?”

  
  
Matt smiles, hitting his fist against Ryans.

“Cool Atheist Boys.”  
  
Matt walks quickly down the stairs, running to his car. His mom opens the back door for him as he gets in, shutting the door behind her son. Ryan watches as his mom gets in the driver's side, starting the car. Matt looks out the door and gives Ryan one last wave. Ryan waves back as the car drives off, disappearing from Ryan's view. He looks at his fist and sighs. 

He felt sad in a way. 

And he didn’t know why.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this seems short lmaooo  
i was working on another project  
pls forgive hhjhghjkbhj

Summer has been pretty uneventful, which was common. It was a small town, nothing to really do here. Except for the beach and Walmart, which Ryan and Tucker frequented often. They usually mess around in the back. But this time, Matt joined them. It wasn’t any different, to Ryan anyway. Tucker claims Ryan just wants to impress Matt, which Ryan denies. Those Walmart trips no longer became fun for Tucker.

Ryan hung out with Matt more than he did with Tucker. Soon enough, Ryan never hangs with Tucker, claiming he's “Busy” or “Tired”. Tucker didn’t really mind, but he was kinda hurt. They did everything together before Matt even came into the picture, now, they barely talk.

It’s just Matt and Ryan.

Just

Matt and Ryan.

* * *

  
  
  


“Ryan! Get up, you’re gonna be late for school!”  
  
Ryan jolts up and smacks his head against the wall, yelping in pain. He rubs the spot his head hit and scrambles out of bed. He rushes to his dresser and rummages around in the drawers for some boxers. The first day of High School and he’s already late. He looks out his window, to see the sun barely rising, which confused him. He looked over to his alarm clock to look at the time.

6:02 am

Ryan groans and goes over to his door, opening it. He sees his dad downstairs, sitting on the couch.  
  
“Dad it's literally 6 am! Why did you wake me up so early!?” Ryan yells from the upstairs floor.

“Cause! God knows how long you and your mother takes to take ready. So get ready, or you’re walking!” He yells back, looking up at Ryan. Ryan curses under his breath and goes back in his room to gather clothes for his shower, ignoring a small piece of paper on his dresser.

Today is gonna be a long day.

* * *

  
  
  


“Why couldn’t mom drive me to school?” Ryan whines, crossing his arms and looking out the window.

“She changed her schedule, and don’t start whining. You’re 14. You sound like a fairy.” His dad spits back. Ryan huffed and pushed himself as close to the window. He never liked his dad, he was so strict and mean 24/7. 

“So where is it?” His dad asks, looking around at the other cars.

“Just keep going straight, I told you.”  
  
“Don’t start getting sassy with me boy.”

“I’m not! How am I being sassy?!”  
  
“Don’t raise your voice with me!” 

“You’re raising your voice at me!” 

His dad grabs him by the shirt and looks him straight in the eyes. He stops in the middle of the road, cars stopping behind him and honking.

“I get to yell at you as much as I want boy. I gave you life and I can easily take it away.”The honking of cars and fist balled on the collar of his shirt makes him overwhelmed, his eyes welling up with tears.

“Okay.” Ryan says, trying his best to hide his crackling voice.

His father shoves him back in his seat and starts driving again. Ryan faces away from the older man and tries not to cry, knowing if he does, his dad will yell at him more. 

He hated his dad.

He really did.

* * *

  
  


Ryan got out of his car and shut the door behind him, walking towards the entrance. The school hasn’t opened yet, so there’s some people sitting by the entrance. He looks for someone he actually knows. Tucker immediately catches his eye. He walks over to the sandy brown-haired boy, smiling.

“Hey, Tucker!” Ryan calls out, walking next to him. Tucker looks up to him as he’s seated on the concrete floor.

“Hey.” He replies flatly. He was dressed in a shirt with longer sleeves sewn in under the short ones. His cargo shorts go down to his knees, showing off his leg hair. Ryan sits next to him happily.

“How have you been?” 

“...Ok.”

  
  
“Cool.”  
  
They both sat there in silence, Tucker looking at his phone and Ryan looking around for Matt's car, hoping he’d come around. Fortunately, he does see Matts car pull in. Happily, Ryan scrambles to get up and quickly turns to Tucker.  
  
“There’s Matt, I gotta go, see you later!” He runs off to greet Matt getting out of the car. Tucker frowns and rolls his eyes, looking down at his phone again. Ryan hugs Matt as he gets out of the car, his mom saying goodbye as she drives off. 

“You look so good, dude! I love your [ shirt ](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71feKcHlY1L._UL1500_.jpg).” Ryan compliments him, looking down at the shirt.

“Thanks man, picked it out myself!” He says in pure confidence. 

They soon sit by the entrance, talking about their new school equipment and plans. They were pretty excited about highschool. Normally other kids weren’t so excited, more hours spent here at this hell hole. Matt and Ryan, on the other hand, were just excited to look and be cool. They’re convinced that once you enter high school you’re immediately cool. At least that’s what Matt’s sister said. 

“Do you think we’re gonna have the same classes?” Ryan excitedly asks, jerking his hands up and down.

“We can find out right now!” The short-haired boy digs in his jean pockets and pulls out a neatly folded paper and unfolds it. “My mom printed my schedule out, we can compare!”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Oh?”

“I forgot mine, at home.” Ryan admits, rubbing the back of his neck.

“That’s ok! I’m sure the office has one for you. They’re always nice.” He pats Ryans back lovingly, smiling.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Jeez, can this day get any worse?

* * *

  
  
  


“What?!”

  
  
“Sorry hon, you’d have to call home to get yours. The school doesn’t carry copies.” The front desk lady says, looking down at Ryan with remorse in her eyes. 

“Really?” He whines in disappointment. 

“You can call your parents to come to bring it if you’d like sweetie.” He nods. He knew he’ll regret this, but he’d get nowhere without it.

The lady nods, going over to the phone and motioning for Ryan to come behind the desk. He quietly goes behind the counter. It felt odd. He’s never been behind the front desk, it always seemed wrong. It was like a sacred place for cute front desk ladies and teachers, and old fat guys. She hands Ryan the phone and he takes it, typing his dad’s number reluctantly. 

_ Ring… _

_ Ring… _

_ Ring.. _

“Hello?” A familiar gravelly voice came over the phone, chills went down his spine as he heard it.

“Hey, dad.”  
  
“Oh. It’s you. Don’t tell me you already got in trouble!”  
  
“No no. I just need you to bring my schedule, it’s o-”  
  
“I'm not doing that.”  
  
“Why?!” 

“Cause.” His dad spits. “You should’ve gotten it when you left. Be more responsible.”  
  
“But-”  
  
The phone goes flatlined. Ryan sighs and lets his arms fall to his sides, still holding the phone. 

“Is he coming?” The lady asks softly.  
  
Ryan just shakes his head, hanging up the phone.

“Oh sweetie, y’know what? I’ll print it up for you before classes start, come to the back.” She gets up and walks to the back, with Ryan feebly following her. 

This day was already going horribly.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Ryan didn't have a chance to find Matt to compare schedules before the bell rang. Kids started filing into their respective classrooms, and some trying to find their class. Ryan looked down at his schedule. Homeroom, room 209. He walks down the hall looking for that number.

119.

203.

208.

“Found it.” He looks at the door and grips his backpack straps with fear. He enters the door to see students conversing or sitting on their phones. Some just look over to him but go back to what they were doing. Ryan closes the door behind him as he enters the room, sitting at a desk in the back to look at his schedule more closely.

7:30 am: Homeroom

8:30 am: English

9:40 am: Science

11:00 am: Math

12:00 pm: Lunch/Break

12:30 pm: History

1:30-2:30 pm: Film Production

Ryan was happy at the elective, he’s always wanted to do film production. Maybe he’ll be a producer one day. That was his ultimate dream. Ryan looked up from his schedule to examine the class around him. All the kids had their own friend group, just chatting away. A few kids just sat there, on their phones, not talking to anyone. Where was the teacher? The bell rings as that thought came into Ryan's head. Suddenly, a teacher bursts into the classroom, panting.

“I am so sorry class, I know I’m a bit late but I’m here now. Please take a seat anywhere.” He says, out of breath. Kids wrapped up their conversations and find desks to quietly sit down. 

“Hello, my name is Mr. Wecht or Mr. W. I’ll be your homeroom and Science teacher.” He turns around to write his name on the whiteboard. As he turns around, shutting the cap to the marker, he grabs a pile of packets. The teacher walks in between the desks, distributing each packet to each student. “These packets are meant for you and your parents to go over, sign, and bring back to me by Friday. I will accept these late, but no later than after this month is done, October 1 is when I'll stop taking these.”  
  
Ryan watches the packet be placed in front of him. He picks the pack up and places it in his backpack.

After the teacher is done passing packets, he goes back to the front of the class and picks up another paper. “Alright, I’ll be taking role, just say ‘here’ when you are called. Please do correct me if I get your name wrong.”

He starts listing off names, with them saying here or hey. Ryan just kinda zones out a bit.

He’s excited about highschool. New friends, new opportunities. He’ll get to do it with Matt. Matt was his best friend. He loved him. He’d kiss him. He really wanted to. Gay. He’s gay. No, he isn’t. That was just one thought. He couldn’t be gay, he can like girls. Who’s a cute girl to have a crush on? Suzy’s cute. She’s a friend though, you couldn’t have a crush on her. She’s just cool. Holly’s cute. Though, she’s crazy. Plus, her mom’s weird. There’s-

“Ryan Magee?”  
  
“Gay!” He says in a panic, jolting up straight. He goes silent as kids around him start giggling. He slightly slouches down in his seat, his body flushing hot with embarrassment. 

“Here would’ve been fine, Mr. Magee.” The teacher says sternly. He promptly goes back to calling names. Ryan sees kids now whispering and looking at him. He sinks into his chair further, trying to hide his face. 

  
  


He needs to stop thinking.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally finished this one  
btw ima stop using those lines, just to see how it works and looks :)  
also iM SO SORRY ITS SHORT!!!   
i'll try to write longer chapters i swear  
and uhhhh   
TW(?): Homophobia, domestic issues (no physical violence)

“Did you really do that?” Suzy asks in disbelief. 

“Oh brooo, that sucks dick mann.” Ross adds, wincing. 

“I can’t believe I did! God that was so stupid.” Ryan puts his head down on the lunch table. “I want to curl up and dieee.” He whines out, muffled.

“It was one mistake.” Matt says as he pats his back.    
  
“What were you thinking about anyway?” Suzy asks.

“M- well, nothing. It was nothing.” He lifts his head off the table, looking down still.

“He was probably daydreaming about Matt.” Ross jokes. 

“ROSS!!” The australian boy cackles as Ryan smacks his arm.    
  
“Ross be quiet!” Matt exclaims. “I’m sure it was just a mix up of words.”   
  
“I don’t know Matt.” Barry quietly adds, taking a bite of his cheese pizza. “Here and Gay don’t sound the same.” He claims with a full mouth.

“Ughhh.” The short boy groans in pain and bangs his head down on the table again.

“You gonna eat your pizza?” Ross asks, grabbing Ryans plate.

Ryan just waves his hand at Ross.

“Nice.” He takes his plate and starts eating the pizza happily.

“Well, whatever it was. They’ve probably forgot already. You’re still cool.” Suzy comorts the boy, with her head resting on the table. “Besides, that’s a one time thing. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Yeah!” Matt comments. 

“Last time I said that, my dad wouldn’t bring my schedule. I really hope this year is good.”    
  
“I’m sure it will be, just be positive!” 

“Yeah bro!” Barry remarks. “I wish I could continue to hype you up, but I gotta go.”    
  
“To where?” Ross asks, stuffing his face.

“To the drama room, Jon wanted to meet me there. Haven’t talked to him in so long.” Barry picks his plate up and throws it away in the nearest garbage can. 

“Oh! Can i come?” Ross asks, perking up.

“Sure, why not?” Ross quickly picks his plate and hastily throws it away, grabbing Barry's arm and walking to the room. “O-Oh alright, bye guys!” Barry yells as he’s dragged out of the lunchroom by Ross. 

Matt and Suzy wave goodbye as Ryan still has his head down. 

“I wanna go home already.” 

“Look at the bright side dude, at least you’re still in one peice.”   
  
“At least.” Ryan repeats.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The rest of the day went by fast. It was teachers mostly letting kids do whatever. It was the first day, nothing to really do. As the dismissal bell rung, kids picked up their bags and practically ran out, including Ryan. He really just wanted to be home. He walks down the hall to the entrance, opening the door. 

The front of the school is filled with kids, some walking, some waiting, and even some getting into their parents car. He holds his backpack straps as he looks around. He sees his mom's car, Ryan smiles as he quickly walks to her car, getting in. His mom looks at him and smiles back, gripping the steering wheel.

“Hey honey! How was school?” She asks as Ryan shuts the door, turning past the front car and driving off.

“It was ok.” He responds quietly. 

  
  
“That didn’t sound ok. What happened?” 

  
  
“Do you promise not to tell dad?” The boy gripped the bottom of his shirt. Cecile frowned, but nodded. “He threatened me in the car and didn’t come back to bring my schedule.”

  
  
She didn’t respond, simply just heavily sighing, gripping the wheel harder. Ryan slouches in his car seat, looking out his window. He just prays to god there’s no fight tonight.

“Ryan.” Ryan slowly looks over to his mom. “I love you, you know that. I’d never do anything to hurt you.”    
  
“I know.”    
  
“Whatever happens, it’s not your fault.”   
  
Ryan was scared.

Very scared.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“So? What’s the big deal? He’s old enough to take it.”    
  
“You grabbed him by his collar! That’s our child goddammit!”

“He needs to learn to be more manly, he’s turning into a queer!” His father stands up to tower over his mom. She’s worked with criminals as long as Ryan could remember, so he knows she isn’t too scared. She’s never scared. The smaller woman backs up to look up at the man challenging her. 

“Don’t you dare call my son queer. There’s nothing wrong with not being manly.” She states sternly, crossing her arms. 

“There’s no other explanation to why he isn’t. Our son is gay! That’s not what I raised.”

“So what?! There’s nothing wrong with it.”   
  
“That wasn’t god’s plan, Cecile. He’s mentally ill.”   
  
“He is not! I will not have you trash talk my son. Get out!” She points to the front door.

Silence fell among them, still exchanging cold hard stares. 

The tension was high. 

“This is my house, bitch.”

“Last time I checked, I pay the bills. I buy the food. I clean. I cook. I do every goddamn thing in this house. You don’t do anything! If anything, Ryan helps me more than your lazy ass does!” She jabs her finger into the man's chest in rage. He smacks her finger away.

“Since when does he do any of that?!”   
  
“Since forever! You just don’t acknowledge it! So I want you to pack up, and get the fuck out of my house.”

He just grunts and grabs his keys from the key rack along with his jacket. He swings open the front door and then slams it shut, going out in the cold South Carolina air. Cecile stands by the counter, looking at him leave. As he starts up the car, speeding out of the driveway, she lets her feeling slowly consume her. She feels her eyes and ears burn as tears well up in her eyes, throat getting tight and nose stuffed. She finally cracks as tears slowly roll down her face, soft weeping fills the once happy family room. Tears fall down on the very same floor where she danced with Ryan in her arms, cooking and having a good time as Ryans giggles filled her ears. Now, It seems so long ago, like a distant memory that never happened.

“Mom?”   
  
Cecile jumps at sudden soft voice, she turns around to see Ryan standing there in his pajamas. His hand grips the side of his sleeve, eyes filled with worry.

“Oh.” She chokes out, wiping her eyes. “Hey baby, why are you up so late?”   
  
“I heard what happened.”    
  
The older woman just stood there, looking at her son. More tears blur her vision. She quickly blinks them away, falling from her chocolate brown eyes. Ryan slowly walks into the kitchen, shivering as his warm feet contrast hard with the cold tile. He walks to where his mom stands. She looks down at her son, taking his face into her hands. The boy can feel how warm they are, semi wet from wiping her tears away.

“You’re getting so big.” She weakly comments, slowly taking her hand away and stroking his hair. “You’ll still always be my baby.’ Cecile kisses his forehead and hugs him close, her hand resting on the back of his head. Ryan hugs back.    
  
“I love you mom.” Ryan finally says to break the short stretch of silence.

“I love you too baby.” Her voice gives out at the end as more tears fall. “I love you so much.”


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning was rather grim. The mood from last night still lingered, making the atmosphere feel colder. Ryan continued his morning routine as normal, but it felt off. The house as eerily silent. No sound of the early morning news or weather, no sound of plates being clanked as they’re being washed, not even the sound of bacon sizzling. Just silence filled his senses. The boy walks out from the hallway into the empty kitchen. He walked around the room, running his hands across the cold marble counters. Ryan sees a small paper slip labeled “Ryan ♡”. He picks it up and turns it over. 

_ Sorry i couldn’t take you to school, you’ll need to walk. Call me when you get out :) _

-momma

He re-reads the note a couple times before carelessly shoving it into his pant pocket. As he heads to the door, he takes one more glance at the room behind him. 

_ That wasn’t god’s plan, Cecile. He’s mentally ill. _

Shaking his head, he closes the door behind him, locking it. He zips up his jacket and starts walking.

  
  
  
  


It was a gloomy day, skies grey and air cold. Everything seemed so different, as if things were monochrome. Cars drove by and kids littered the sidewalks. Ryan just kept his head down, his hands shoved into his jacket pockets. He just quietly observed his surroundings. He slowly spaces out, staring back at the ground. The world around him slowly fades out, the sounds only become hushed whispers and muffled sounds of the busy town life. His mind is very loud, he can’t make out any coherent thoughts . It’s like static, very loud static. The static seems to get louder and louder the more he notices it. The white noise fills his brain, becoming so loud.

He’s snapped out of his mind as he bumps into someone from behind. The boy abruptly stops and jerks his head up. 

“Ay watch i- Ryan?”

“Oh hey Ross.” He waves his hand weakly.

“Ryan, you walk?” Barry asks, turning around.

“Well, now I do.” He shrugs as he starts walking.

“Why?” Ross asks, walking beside him. “Doesn’t your dad take you?”  
  
“He...doesn’t take me anymore.”  
  
“Is he at work?” Barry chimes in.

“Well….yeah. He’s at work.” He nervously coughs, hoping they’d drop it.

“Damn, well at least you get to hang out with us! The 3 boys, walkin’ together.”  
  
“Yeah. We have fun when we walk together.” Ross nods. 

“Anyways, did you get that paper signed?” The aussie boy asks, putting his hand in his pockets.

“No.”  
  
“I did!” Barry says proudly. “My mom always checks my bag after the first day cause I usually forget to tell her I got anything.”  
  
“Same, but she didn’t check my bag. She was busy and I got distracted.”  
  
“By talking to me all day.” Barry scoffs out.  
  
“You called me first, cunt!”  
  
“Don’t call me that.”  
  
They both laugh and Ryan is basically forgotten as they keep walking. Ryan slows down without even knowing it, dragging his feet along the floor as he looks down. Ross and Barry were way far ahead already, leaving him behind. Ryan didn’t entirely mind, he liked being on his own anyways. 

  
  
  


Ryan manages to finally get to school early again. Some kids sit outside on their phones or talking to others. Ryan tries to look for his good friend Matt. No sign of the boy unfortunately, or Tucker. Looks like he’s gonna be on his own again. He finds an empty bench and sits down, taking his bag off and putting it on the floor next to him. He takes his phone out to text Tucker.

  
  


** _Ryan M_ **

_ Yo man. Where u at? _

  
  


He puts his phone down to just look around the yard.

  
  


** _Tucker P_ **

_ sick. _

** _Ryan M_ **

_ Oh. _

_ Have you heard from Matt? _

  
  


Ryan looks at the message. The small ‘read’ sign comes up and doesn’t see Tucker writing. Maybe he’s just tired. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Alright students, happy tuesday to everyone.” The teacher says, sitting in his seat. “Welcome to homeroom once again. I hope everyone had a good first day. I also hope everyone got that paper signed.” Mr Wecht added. Some students got up from their seats to hand them their packets.  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes as he looked out the window, his head in his hand. The sky was a dark grey, covering the sun and engulfing the world below in darkness. The wind seems to pick up in speed, blowing stray leaves and trees. Winter time as a calm time of year, for Ryan at least. Rainy nights and snow days. Once again, Ryan seems to just space out again, ignoring the world around him. The teachers voice fades out and just becomes a muffled mess. His mind wanders far as it usually did. He’s gonna grow up soon. His middle school life seemed to move past so fast, just a blur. He’s already 14, almost 15. It seemed like just yesterday he first joined middle school, waving goodbye to his mom. He’s got a whole lifetime ahead of him, so many opportunities. 

The bell rings and Ryan jumps a bit. Kids start taking their backpacks and leaving for their 1st period. He silently picks up his backpack and slings it over his shoulders, pushing his chair in and leaving the class with everyone else.

  
  
  
  
  


“Good morning students!” Everyone says good morning back to the lady, not with a lot of enthusiasm though. “Happy second day of school. Now, I want to talk about something today.” Some students turn their full attention to her. “Who here is afraid of public speaking?” Most kids raise their hands, along with Ryan. 

“That was expected, alright. That’s perfectly fine, everyone gets a bit anxious when it comes to that, but trust me. After this year, you’ll be able to publicly speak with no issue. Plus, you kinda have to, for grades.”  
  
Ryan slouches in his seat, he hated public speaking. That fucking sucked. He never saw the point in it, like, what does this have to do with anything in the future? He was going to be a film director, he didn’t even need to public speak, he’ll boss around people and tell them to act. It would be easy.

  
  
  


“So, how are your classes so far?” Ryan asks Matt, picking at his food again.

“They’re ok, can’t believe I got art for my elective though. I can’t even draw.” He replies, waving his fork around. “Maybe they’ll let me change it.”  
  
“I got lost looking for my elective.” Suzy chimes in. “This school is like a damn maze.”  
  
“It is highschool. My sister Sam says it’ll be like that for a week. You’ll eventually learn your way around.” The skinny boy states, drinking from his milk.

“Right. Anyways,” Suzy pushes her empty tray aside, putting her head in her hands. “You guys have any crushes yet?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“I kinda do.”  
  
Ryan looks over to Matt as he says that, a small stab of jealousy going through him.

“Oh shit. Fucking spill the beans dude.”  
  
“Aw c'mon Suz, it’s not that serious.” He sheepishly says, looking away with a slight blush.

“Nooo tell me! I swear on my life I won’t tell anybody.”  
  
“...promise?”  
  
“Promise.”  
  
Matt leans in a bit, Suzy and Ryan joining in.

“Well, she’s so cute. Her skin is kinda dark and her hair is like a silky black. It’s super long. Her eyes are brown and her voice is just so perfect.” Matt gushes, sighing heavily.

“Ooo, didn’t know you like those kinds of girls Matt.”  
  
“Shut up Suzy!” Matt playfully punches her arm. Ryan just kinda sits there, thinking about the girl. She was probably ugly.

“She gave me a pencil in science and her hand was soft.” Matt gasps and ducks his head a bit. “There she is!” He whisper-shouts.

Ryan and Suzy turn to this girl. She was just how Matt described her. Caramel skin with long shiny black hair, going all the way down to her butt. She wore an off shoulder shirt with high waisted jeans. 

“God her boobs are huge.” Suzy says quietly.

“Hey back off, she’s mine.” Matt adds. Suzy laughs as Matt also does. Ryan just stares at her, glaring. 

“Hey Ryan, stop staring man. She’s Matts girl.” Ryan blinks and looks at the two.

“Right.” Ryan laughs out. “She’s cool.”  
  
“You bet. I might ask her out.”  
  
“Don’t straight out ask her man, get to know her first.” Suzy says. “Girls aren’t just sex objects.”  
  
“What about those girls in porn?”  
  
“Matt.”  
  
The brown haired boy laughed as Suzy glared at him. “Sorry sorry, but how would I even ask her out?”  
  
“I can help you, don’t you worry bout a thing.”  
  
Ryan just listened silently, turning his head to look at the girl again. He felt his fists ball up, shaking slightly. This girl wouldn’t take Matt away from Ryan. Not on Ryans watch.

  
  
  
  


“So. About that girl.” Ryan says as he sits on Matts bed, watching him play games on his computer. “You like her right?”  
  
“Well duh. She’s like, the cutest girl in the grade.”  
  
“What about Suzy?”  
  
“Suzy doesn’t count. She’s a friend. Plus her and Arin are on a break.” He says as he types away at his computer. 

“Right.” Ryan lays down against the pillows. 

“Why are you so curious about her? Don’t tell me you also like her.”  
  
“What? Ew no. She isn’t my type.”  
  
“Then why are you asking so much about her?”  
  
“She isn’t going to replace me, right?” He asks, concerned.

Matt shuts his computer and turns to Ryan. “Dude of course not! She probably isn’t even good at video games like you are.”  
  
“Girls don’t even like video games. They like makeup and stuff, and kissing.” Matt makes a face as Ryan says the last part.

“Kissing is gross.” Matt shakes his head in disgust, waving his hands in dismissal.

“Only grownups kiss.” Ryan adds, running his hands through his hair.

“Well, my sister kisses her boyfriend. It’s like they’re eating their each others faces.”  
  
“Ewww!” Ryan exclaims. Both boys break down into giggles, falling back onto the bed.

“It seems so weird.” Matt comments, looking up at his ceiling. “How do you even kiss?”

“I dunno.”  
  
“Do you think we could try?”

“...on each other?” Ryan slowly asks, feeling his face heat up.

“Sure. It isn’t gay if we like it right?” 

“R-Right.” Ryan stammers.

Matt sits up with Ryan following shortly after. They start getting into better positions, with Matt and Ryan facing each other, legs crossed. Matt moves his hair out of the way and so does Ryan.

“Ok, how do we...y’know...start.” Ryan quietly says, fiddling with his jacket sleeves.

“Well, we close our eyes, and just push lips together. I’ll kiss you first, how about that?” 

Ryan just nods, feeling the anxiety in his stomach. Matt nods as Ryan closes his eyes. Matt doesn’t close his eye just yet, he slowly leans in and slightly puckers his lips. Ryan has his hands resting on his legs, gripping his pant leg. The anxiety grows more and more as Matt takes time to lean in. 

“Matt a-” The boys sentence was cut off as Matts lips finally landed on his own, with him finally closing his eyes. They stayed pressed on Ryans, unmoving. His lips felt soft, slightly chapped. The kiss only lasted for 3 seconds as Matt pulls away. 

Matt opens his eyes as Ryan also does.

“Your lips are soft.” Matt compliments.

"So a-are yours." Ryan compliments back.  
  


"Did I do good?" 

Ryan just nods and smiles slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Although, I feel like we did something wrong."

"What's that?"

"I'm not sure. It just didn't feel right."

"Well how about you do it then. You kiss me."

“I don’t know how to.”  
  
“Then how do you know I did it wrong?!”  
  
“I dunno! It just didn’t feel right.”  
  
“Well, we’ll learn eventually.”  
  
Ryan nods as he fidgets. He just kissed Matt, well, touched lips. Still, it felt nice. Even if he messed up.

  
  
  
  
  


“Did you have fun at Matt’s house sweetheart?” His mom asks, mixing a pot of mashed potatoes. 

“Yup.” He replies, tracing his fingers on the table. “We did.”  
  
“Are you sure? You don’t sound too sure.”  
  
“I’m sure.”  
  
Cecile puts the potatoes on a plate along with a piece of meatloaf, picking up the plate and putting it on the table in front of Ryan. She picks up her plate and puts it in front of the little boys plate. Ryan watches as his pulls out a chair and sits down, scooting it in.

“Cmon, talk to Mommy. What’s wrong?”  
  
Ryan picks at his food with his fork. “Do you promise to not get mad?”  
  
“Of course honey, nothing you say will make me angry at you.” She softly says, putting her hand on top of Ryans, squeezing it. 

“...what if, technically, I like one of my friends. Like like them.”  
  
“Well,” She takes a bite of her meatloaf. “That’s ok sweetie, it’s normal to fall in love. What’s so bad about that?”

“Well it’s...nevermind.”  
  
“No sweetie cmon-”  
  
“I said nevermind mom.”  
  


Cecile doesn’t press forward.  
  
Dinner was painfully silent after that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are y'all still vibing with this shit?  
i hope ksjhgfdfh


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW: Masturbation  
please dont smite me please im innocent officer ple-

“So, what are you guys doing this weekend?” Barry asks.

“I dunno.” Dan replies, kicking his feet across the ground. “Probably practice my singing again, maybe write a song.” 

“Again? C’mon Dan, come hang out with me and Suz. We go to look at the animals at the pet shop.” Arin suggests.

“Nah, not my thing.” Dan shakes his head, putting his hands into his jean pockets

“I’m gonna help Tucker with his photography project, I’m gonna be his model.” Ross announces, putting his hand on his chest.

“You’re a stick, Ross.” Matt rolls his eyes.   
  
“So are you!” 

“Hey. I’m a tall stick, dumbass.”   
  
“Same thing, anyways, What are you doing Ryan?”   
  
“I dunno, I think I'll just stay home.”   
  
“Boooringgg.” Ross groans. “Why don’t you come along with me and Tucker?”   
  
“Nah, I think he hates me.” He declines quietly.

“How about you spend the week at my house? My mom will tell yours.” Matt offers.   
  
“Sure, I guess.”   
  
“Your loss then, I’ll see you guys later, if I take too long, Tucker will get fussy.” He waves goodbye and starts crossing the street to the other side.

“I’ll also see you guys later, my mom will freak if i'm not at home on time.” Dan also says as he says goodbye, crossing into a small flourished ally. 

“Hey Dan wait!” Arin quickly runs after him since his house is near his. 

“You gonna disappear on us Barry?” Matt smugly asks, looking down at him.

“Nah, my house is on this street anyways.” The smaller boy says with a smile. “Also, Is Jasmine your crush?” 

“I- Who told you?!” Matts voice cracks as he yells, flustered>   
  
“Suzy did.”    
  
“I told her to not tell anyone! Jeez, did she tell anyone else?” Matt asks, fiddling with his backpack straps.

“No.” Barry replies, laughing. “Only me.”   
  
“Then how do you know her name?”   
  
“She’s in my ELA class, she said she likes my backpack pins. Her favorite game is mario kart.”

“Woah, she likes games?! I thought girls only gossiped.” Matt asks in astonishment. 

“Well,” Barry starts. “She said she’s ‘Not like other girls’, or whatever that means.”    
  
“She’s probably bluffing.” Ryan interjects.

“I saw her on a DS at lunch, she showed me her animal crossing town.”   
  
“She likes animal crossing too? Bro she’s like, my soulmate!!”    
  
** _Soulmate._ **

That word slapped Ryan across the face. He felt anger, guilt, and sadness flow through him, though, he hid it as best as he could.

“Maybe- Oh. Here’s my house. Hey, I’ll see you guys on monday, alright?”   
  
“Ok B, bye!” Matt waves as Barry quickly walks up to his house.    
  
“Alright Ryan, next stop, my place-”   
  
“Actually.” Ryan stops walking, standing in place. 

Matt turns his head to look at Ryan. The older boy balled his fists up, feeling the familiar burning sense as tears welled up in his brown eyes. He looks down to not make it known.

“I think I’m gonna go home.”    
  
“What?!” The lanky boy turns around to look at him. “You said-”   
  
“I know what I said, Matt. I changed my mind.” Ryan turns around and starts heading home. Matt quickly follows him, trying to catch up.

“Wait wait why? Dude cmon.” Matt puts a hand on the boys shoulder, which is quickly smacked off.

“I’m going the fuck home dude. Just, go home. I’ll see you on monday.” Ryan slowly walks off, gripping his backpack straps. He hears Matt walk to him, but briefly stop. It suddenly gets a bit darker than it was before, they sky getting cloudy and the air temperature dropping. Matt watches as his friend walks off. He feels the wind start up, blowing through his dark sandy brown hair. Goosebumps rise up on his arms. He figures to just walk off, it’s no use. He swiftly turns around and starts heading home as it gets colder. A drop of water falls down onto his bare arm, then another, then another.

The walk home was gonna be rough.

Very rough.

  
  
  


“Ryan said that?” Ann asks, putting his plate down on the table.

“Yeah.” Matt sighs out. “I don’t know what I did wrong.” Matt puts his head in his hand.

“Don’t overthink it sweetheart, maybe he’s just a little pent up.” His mom states, sitting down.

“Boys will be boys.” Dale chimes in, eating his food.

“Yeah, but he seemed super mad, he was fine just minutes ago! I dunno man.” Matt picks his fork up and pokes at his food.

“Matthew. I’m sure he still likes you. You  _ are  _ his closest friend.”   
  
“Yeah, I am.”

  
  


Matt quickly finished dinner and headed up stairs to get ready for bed. He took his shower, brushed his teeth, and got his pajamas on. He hopped into bed and went on his phone to watch his favorite youtubers, Smosh and Shane dawson. They always made him feel better, but, Matt quickly got bored, setting his phone aside. The boy resorted to lay and stare at the ceiling above, letting his mind wander a bit. Ideas and thoughts flow in and out, some weirder than others. One thought kept coming back, Jasmine. Her beautiful way the sun shines down on her soft tan skin, the way she flips her hair out of her face. The way her shirt and pants show the hour glass shape of her body. Her V necks that go a little low, showing off her cleavage. As Matt gets deeper into thought, he feels his dick twitch to life. The boy looks down at his crotch and sees the tent pitching in his pants.

Slowly, but surely, he slides his hands down his torso, looking at his door. There was no noises in his house, assuming his parents were asleep. He felt his body heat up as his fingers slipped past his pants waistband, going under his boxers. As fingers gently grazed his cock, his hips jerk up, a moan getting caught in his throat. He quickly takes his hands out and hooks his thumbs under his pants and boxer waistband, pulling them both down hastily. Matt's dick gets caught by his boxers, slapping up against his lower stomach. A small bit of pre-cum slowly dribbled out. Matt has never masterbaited, he was always afraid to. Now, he was too horny to really care. With careful movements, he wraps his hand around his throbbing cock, feeling his fingers close. The tall boy slowly starts to slowly move his hand, to get used to it. To his luck, he’s already enjoying it. It feels like small shocks and jolts of pleasure surging through his veins, boiling his blood. His hand unconsciously speeds up, his head dipping back, trying not to moan out loud. He felt his heart in his head, a slight pounding sensation as he lets out small pants and groans mixed with wimpers.

He starts pushing it, going faster. His legs start twitching and his hips jerking up into his loose fist. He tightens his grip as his hand movements get sloppier and more uncoordinated, his hips erratically thrusting up. A burning heat starts burning and building in his abdomen. More and more pre-cum dribbles out, making his movements slicker and louder. His panting increases as the sound of wet slick skin hits against each other, his eyes were glossed over with tears.    
  
His orgasm hit hard. His vision blurs as his whole body arched off his bed, quickly covering his mouth as a loud moan escapes his lips. His legs jerked as he milks himself for every drop of cum, most of it splashing out onto his shirt. His body relaxed as it falls back onto the bed. Matts whole body was softly shaking, his vision unblurring a bit, still fading in and out. He removes his hand off of his sensitive dick. He lays there in pure bliss for a little, trying to regain his breath. The boy looked down at his body, seeing his dick slowly softening, laying against his thigh. He kinda makes a face as he sees the cum splattered onto his shirt. Matt peers over his bed to find something to clean himself off with, he lucky finds a dirty shirt. He picks it up and wipes up the cum off his shirt and throwing the other in the bin, missing completely. Swearing under his breath, he pulls up his underwear and pants, twitching as the cloth rubs against him. 

Now that he’s calmed down, the fatigue catches up to him. He turns onto his side and lets his tiredness take over his body, relaxing into the bed. His breathing slows and his consciousness fading.

Just like that, he’s out like a light.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst??? oh boy babey

Homecoming. The new hot topic at this school. Everyone was talking about it, no one could escape the topic. Not even Ryan. It was seen as this big thing, best thing of anyone's life. All the girls were hoping they get asked out, while the boys were looking for someone to ask out. Ryan, could honestly care less. So what? It was some dance, who cared?

“I care!” Matt exclaims, slamming his hands down.

“Same here.” Ross raises his hand slightly. “Loosen up a little you downer.”  
  
“I really don’t see the point.” Ryan says back, waving his hand.

“It’s a fun experience for everyone. You really should go Ryan.” Suzy suggests. 

“Even if I wanted to, I don’t have a date.”  
  
“You could go with Tucker, he’s gonna be taking pictures of the whole event.” Barry says, pushing his tray aside, watching Ross take leftovers from it like an animal. 

“Maybe, but he hasn’t talked to me in months. Do you think he’s mad at me?” Ryan asks, holding his head in his hand.  
  
“Oh he totally is. He told me.” Ross says, mouth full.

“What?!”  
  
“He told me not to tell you, oops.” The aussie boy just shrugs and swallows his food. “Pretend I said nothing.”

“No no tell me what he said!” Ross begs, planting his hands on the table. Ross just looks at him and shakes his head.

“Ross cmon!”  
  
“Sorry mate, gotta talk to the man himself.” 

Ryan groans and sits back onto the bench, crossing his arms.

“I’m sure he’d forgive you.” Matt says, patting Ryans back in sympathy.

“Yeah, you’ve known him for so long.” Barry adds in.

“Maybe.”

“If it never works out, you could with Matt.” Suzy suggests again.

“Sorry Suz, no can do. I’m asking Jasmine out.” Matt confesses.

“Oh really? Fuckin ay’ man!” Ross gives Matt a hard back pat, with Matt giving a small “oof” in response.

“Why her?” Ryan questions with slight jealousy tainting his voice. “You can go with her anytime, why this year?”  
  
“Cause Ryan, this could be my only chance to ask her out before she’s taken. You understand right?” Matt says, giving Ryan a crooked smile.  
  
“Yeah.” Ryan says quietly. “I do.”

“Thanks bud. I gotta go talk to her, I’ll see you guys soon.” He gets up with his tray and quickly walking over to where she was sitting. Leaving Ryan, once again. He sighs and puts his head down. 

“Aww, it’s ok Ryan. You could go with me and Arin, we always love a third member.” She lovingly rubs his back.

“It’s ok Suzy.” He says, muffled. The boy puts his head up, resting on his arms. “I’ll ask Tucker and hope he doesn’t say no.”

“I’m sure he won’t.” The girl reassures him.

  
  
  


Ryan stood outside Tuckers house, fiddling with the bottom of his shirt. Why was he so nervous? He knows Tucker. He takes a deep breath and softly knocks on the front door. He hears some shuffling from inside and hears the door click. A taller woman opens the door and looks down at Ryan. She wore a cooking apron and a red shirt with khaki pants. She smiles down at the small boy, who smiles back.

“Oh hello Ryan! I haven’t seen you in forever.” She says in utter excitement, leaning down to hug the boy, absolutely smothering him. “Ohh Tucker will be excited to see you!” The woman lets go and steps aside to let him in. Ryan happily walks inside. Tuckers mom shuts the door behind him and walks to the stairs. “He’s upstairs taking photos, tell him I said dinners ready as well!” Ryan nods as he walks up the stairs to the boys room. As he gets to the stop of the stares, he sees Tuckers room. The door still had his name on it from 1st grade, he can’t help but snicker a bit. Ryan walks up to his door and knocks on it. There was silence in the room, but sees the doorknob jiggle. Tucker opens the door with his camera around his neck, still holding it. He still has his school clothes on.

“Hey Tuck-”

“No.”  
  
He just shuts the door on the poor boy.  
  
“Hey hey wait! Cmon I just wanna talk!” Ryan begs, putting his hand on the door. No response comes from the otherside. Ryan knocks again, still no response.

“Tucker!”

Silence

“.....i have gummy worms, the ones you like.” He says in his last attempt to get Tuckers attention. He was met with silence. With a sigh, he starts leaving. Before he leaves, he hears the door open slightly.

“Come in.” He says quietly. Ryan turns around and walks into his room. His room looked as cool as he could remember. Ryan sees Tucker stand there, he knows what he wants. He takes his backpack off and opens it, grabbing the gummy worm bag and handing them to Tucker. He takes it and climbs onto his bed with crossed legs.

“So, what do you want? Matt finally moved on?” He spits at Ryan, opening the gummy worms.

“No- well. He’s getting a girlfriend.” He starts. “And homecoming is coming up and I have no one to take me or go with so-”  
  
“So you just want someone to go with?” Tucker asks, starting to eat the gummy candy.

“Yeah, but I also wanted to say sorry. I’m sorry for ditching you and being a dick. You’re my friend, I could never replace you.” He scratches his arm and looks at Tucker. Tucker looks at him back, not moving.

“Why are you now just apologizing? All you want is someone to go with to not be an outcast. Besides, I rather go alone anyways.”  
  
“Are you serious?! Tucker cmon, I’m your friend!”  
  
“Not when Matt came into the picture-”  
  
“Stop bringing Matt into this!” Ryan shouts, jabbing his finger into the boys chest. 

“Why? He’s your _ best friend _isn’t he?” He mocks as he gets up, putting the worms down. 

“You both are!”  
  
“You favor Matt over me. It’s like you, fucking like him or something!” Tucker flails his arms to punctuate his statement.  
  
“That's cause I do! Ok?! I like Matt!” Ryan felt his eyes begin to burn as tears gloss over them. Tucker just stared at Ryan, his eyes wide. Ryan backs up to wipe his eyes.

“Now he likes someone else and not hanging out with me as much! I know I fucked up Tucker. This is like, karma.” He continues, his voice quivering. “I know I ditched you. I’m so super fucking sorry for that. Please just forgive me. Please.” Ryans voice cracks at the end of the last plea. Tears stream down his face as his body shakes. He tries his best to wipe away all the tears forming and falling, soaking his sleeve in the salty liquid.

Ryan feels Tuckers arms wrap around him. He does the same, crying into Tuckers sweater. He grips the back of it, sobbing.

“My life is-is a fucking m-mess Tucker.” He stammers. “My dad’s gone and now Matts leaving me. Ev-Everyone hates me.” Ryan can barely breathe, his breath coming in short spurts and coughs. “I’m a fag like m-my dad sa-says.” 

Tucker doesn’t know how to respond, he wasn’t the best at comforting others. He tried his best though. He continued to rub Ryans back, swaying him back and forth. His body goes heavy in Tuckers arms, so he slowly settles down on the floor, sitting against the side of his bed. He sways Ryan back and forth, doing what his mom does. 

“P-Please Tuck-Tucker. Forgive m-me.” He quietly sobs out. 

“I do, Ryan. I do forgive you.” He says quietly in response. 

They sit there for sometime, it feels like hours when in reality it was only minutes. Ryan slowly stops crying, leaning back from Tuckers embrace. He wipes away the remaining tears on his face as he looks at Tuckers shirt. Stained and wet with ryans snot and tears. 

“ ‘M sorry.” Ryan apologizes again.

“It’s fine.” Tucker says back, taking off the shirt and throwing it to the side. He gets up and goes to the closet, looking for a shirt. Without tears distorting his vision, he looks around Tuckers room. 

“My head hurts.” He whines out.

“My mom knows how to get rid of headaches.” Tucker finds a clean shirt and puts it on, pulling his hair from the neck hole. “Maybe you just need to eat. Dinners probably ready.” Ryan nods as he slowly stands up, legs still weak. Tucker opens his door and starts going out.

“So.” Ryans sniffles. “Are you still gonna go with me to homecoming?”  
  
Tucker stays silent, not answering. Ryan frowns and just looks away.

“When is it?”

Ryan looked over at Tucker, his back still to him “Next friday.”  
  
“...sure. Don’t expect me to dress fancy.” He leaves the room. Ryan quickly follows, smiling.

  
  
  


“God I’m not ready for this period.” Ryan groans out as he walks with Matt and Barry to the gym. 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Matt says back, shrugging.

“You have to get dressed in front of other people.” Barry states. “What if they make fun of you?!” 

“Barry calm down.” Matt puts his hand on his back. “My sister said they’re more focused on themselves than you. Besides, so what if they make fun of you? Doesn’t matter.”  
  
“That's what you think Matt.” Ryan murmurs. 

“All im saying is, it’s gonna be fine.”

  
  


The locker rooms were big, and cold. The boys had their lockers already, so they went to their assigned lockers and put their bags down. Unlocking their padlocks, they opened the small lockers to get their clothes.

“P.E always sucked.” Ross bitched, taking his shirt off. “Like, what’s the point of this? We aren’t gonna be fit in college.” 

“It’s cause by law, they gotta keep us healthy or something.” Matt replies, taking off his own shirt and throwing it on a bench.

Ryan and Barry just kinda watched them, still petrified of undressing. This was quite normal. Most boys and girls were nervous, nothing wrong with that. Matt looks over at them and laughs, turning to them.

  
“Guys c’mon. You gotta get undressed.” Matt laughs out.

“Are you kidding? No fucking way. Plus it’s cold in here.” Barry says, crossing his arms.

“It doesn’t take long dude. Besides, everyone here has different bodies, look at me and Matt, we’re absolute sticks.” Ross points out.

“Hey!”  
  
“We aren’t perfect either. So just say fuck it dude, plus we don’t have much time.” He pulls his jeans down and kicks them off his feet.

“Ok ok fine.” Ryan says. He follows through at quickly takes his shirt off. He gets dressed with Ross and Matt. Barry just stares on, shifting from one foot to another. Soon, he does muster up some courage. Slowly, he doesn remove his jacket, along with his shirt. Ross looks over to Barry and stares in amazement.

“Woah Barry, you have chest hair already?” He asks. Barry looks at Ross and covers his chest in embarrassment.  
  
“I know! Keep your voice down man.” He says quietly. Matt and Ryan look at Barry as well.

“That’s amazing. It’s pretty noticeable too.” Ryan comments. “Bro you got some on your stomach as well!” He points near Barry's lower stomach, just above his jeans waistband.  
  
Barry playfully smacks Ryan hand. “Stop staring there you weirdo.” Barry laughs out.

The others laugh as well as Ryan nervously joins in.

** _Weirdo._ **

  
  
  


“God my legs feel like shit.” Barry groans out, laying his head and arms on his desk.

“Same.” Ryan says back, writing down notes on his paper. “It wasn’t that hard, it was the stretches that got me.”  
  
“Everything got me.”  
  
“Well, that goes to show you how fat you are B.” Ryan jokes.

“You shut it.” Barry weakly shoves Ryan, softly laughing. 

“Yeah yeah whatever.” He went back to facing his computer screen, clicking around a bit. 

  
“Hey Ryan?” 

“What’s up?” Ryan replies, not looking from his computer screen.

Barry gets up a bit, resting his head on his folded arms. “Can I tell you something?”  
  
“Sure?” He glances at Barry a little bit.

“I think I’m gay.” Barry whispers.

Ryan took his attention off his screen to look at Barry. He was waiting for some kind of punchline, but he could tell this wasn’t a joke.  
  
“It’s gross I know, if you hate me I understand.”  
  
“Well, I don’t hate you. This is just sudden.”  
  
“I know.” The older boy runs his fingers through his dark brown hair. “I just felt like telling someone.” 

“Oh.”

“So yeah. I might be gay and stuff. I dunno how it really works.” He confesses.

“What do mean?”  
  
“I mean,” He sits up full. “How does gay really work? I know it’s liking guys, but is there more to it?” The jewish boy stammers on. 

“Honestly, I don’t know. I think I might have it to.”  
  
“You mean you might be gay?” 

“Possibly.” Ryan leans back on Barrys bed and sighs. “It’s weird.”  
  
“What’s weird?”  
  
“These labels. Why have labels for all of this? Why can’t you just, like someone? Without all this label junk.” He waves his hands in the air.

“Yeah! You understand.” Barry agrees. “Why can’t you just kiss someone and it’s just like ‘oh cool bro’ “

“Right!” 

“Life is weird.” Barry sighs out.

“Yeah…..I think I like Matt.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“I don’t really know.” Ryan rolls over to face Barry. “I’m not gay, but I wanna be with him. We kissed once and I liked it. But I’m not gay.”  
  
“Right right.”  
  
“I don’t like anyone else but Matt. And gay is like, liking all guys right?”  
  
“I think so.”  
  
“So what does that make me?” Ryan asks the boy.

“Maybe bi?”  
  
“What’s that?” He asks, sitting up a bit.

“It’s basically you like girls _ and _boys.” 

“You can like both?!” 

“Guess so.” Barry shrugs. “It doesn’t make you fully gay.”  
  
“Yeah, it doesn’t. Thanks Barry, I knew you could help me.” 

  
  
  
  


“Mom!” Ryan whines out, pulling away.

“Hold still Ry Ry.” His mom says as she tries to do his hair, combing it out. “Your hair is getting so long baby.” She lovingly says. 

“I can comb my hair myself mom.”  
  
“I know, but I wanna baby you still. You’re growing up so fast.” Cecile hugs Ryan, cooing as she does. “My babys first dance.”  
  
Ryan wiggles in her embrace, trying to get away. “It’s not like I’m taking a girl or some.”  
  
“Still.” She lets him go. “I remember my first homecoming.’

Ryan grimises. To his luck, the doorbell rings. Cecile quickly walks over to the door to open it. It was Tucker and his mom. Tucker had his hair slicked back into a ponytail and had a white button up dress shirt on with matching black pants. His camera bag on his back, and phone in hand. He waves at Ryan, in which he waves back. Ryan's mom lets Ryan go with Tucker's mom. She stands from her porch as she waves goodbye to all 3 of them as they get into her car.

  
  


Ryan and Tucker sat on the side bleachers, watching the party go on. Tucker is putting his camera together as his bag. Music goes on not too loudly in the background as people dance and talk. Ryan has his head in his hands, resting on his knee. He skims the sea of people, hoping to see Matt at least once.  
  
“Tucker?”  
  
“What’s up?” He answers, not looking up from his camera.

“Do you think Matt’s here with Jasmine?”  
  
“Who?” 

“That girl is so gross.” He ignores Tuckers question.

Tucker rolls his eyes as he gets off the bench and climbs a bit higher to the 3rd row, pointing his camera into the crowd. Ryan still looks around, trying desperately to find the taller boy. His searches pay off when he eventually finds him. He’s standing there by himself, holding a red plastic up. He smiles as he gets ups to start walking. Jasmine comes up to him and grabs his hand, taking him out of view. Ryan frowns and just sits back down in disappointment. 

“What do you think of this [ shot ](https://thetrojantribune.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/D017DE75-E8C6-4872-97A8-867F00B54F84-900x556.jpeg) ?” Tucker asks, tapping Ryans shoulder to get his attention.  
  
“It’s great.”  
  
“You didn’t even look.”  
  
“Say, I’m going to the snack table, want anything?” Ryan stands up and sighs out.

“Some water.”  
  
“Cool.”  
  
Ryan walks through the crowd, walking past Matt and Jasmine, looking at them. His heart hurts but he continues to walk to the table. He grabs a water from the cooler and a soda, for himself. The administrator looks down at him and smiles. “Soda and water huh?” She asks.

“Yeah. Waters for my friend.” He quickly replies before walking away so she doesn't make more conversation. He walks back into the crowd. maneuvering around others to get back to the bleachers. He ignores Matt and Jasmine as he gets back to Tucker. 

“Thanks.” Tucker says to Ryan, taking the water and opening, immediately gulping some down. Ryan watches his adam's apple bob up and down as he guzzles down the cooling liquid, some dripping down the side of his mouth. He stops and goans hard, wiping his mouth. “It’s hot and loud in here.” Tucker comments.

“Yeah.” Ryan sit’s down next to him, moving his hair from his face. He can’t help but take one last look at the 2, frowning again. “Hey, how about we move spots? This isn’t a good area.”  
  
“Was thinking the same thing bro.” Tucker replies as he gets his camera and his bag, putting the camera around his neck. They move to the otherside of the benches, closer to the stage. This went better than both of them expected. Tucker can get some nicer shots when going up on and near the stage and Ryan can almost forget about Matt and his girlfriend. Him and Tucker end up having a better time than they expected. 

As the party died down, with most people having left or chill outside, Ryan and Tucker do the same. Tucker and Ryan sit out on the grass, looking at the shots Tucker took. 

“All of these came out fucking amazing, better than i would’ve thought. Though, I wished I could’ve controlled the lights. That’s fine, I’ll edit them in post.” He said, clicking through the photos. Ryan laughs as leans back on his hands, looking around. The cool South Carolina blew against his skin, flowing through his and Tuckers hair. He exhales hard and looks up. The stars covered the deep black sky, with the moon shining brighter than any of them. Ryan felt a sense of calm wash over him, pure bliss.

Tucker looks over to him and smiles. This is the first time he’s seen Ryan genuinely smile in a while. He decides to lay down and look up at the stars. Ryan looks over at him and lays down as well. With his hands behind his head, he gets lost in his brain once more. The sound of crickets and the faint voices of people talking fill their senses.

“Hey Ryan?” Tucker breaks the silence.

“Yeah?”  
  
“I’m sorry for not being such a good friend.”  
  
“How so?” Ryan questions.  
  
“Never properly comforting you and stuff like that.” He shrugs. “It may seem like I don’t care-”  
  
“It does.” Ryan interjects. “But go on.”  
  
Tucker laughs silently. “It may seem like I don't care,” He repeats. “But I do care. A lot.” He admits, turning to Ryan. “I’m sorry you and Matt aren’t working out.”  
  
Ryan slightly loses his smile to that name.

“Friend’s come and go, and maybe it’s time to let him go.”  
  
Ryan goes silent, still looking up at the sky. He sighs out heavily, sitting up. He looks down at his legs and the grass, running his hand along it. Tucker lays there, awaiting some sort of response.

“Maybe Tucker.” He finally says, the wind is blowing hard.

“Just maybe.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also sorry for the username change :/


End file.
